Diamonds and Stones
by MarineMom
Summary: Harm is trying to deal with Mattie's accident, but a song causes him to rethink his actions with Mac.


This takes place sometime during **Dream Team**. This is my first attempt at a songfic, so I'd love to hear what you think. The music is John Denver's, the characters are DPBs and the sandbox is mine.

Diamonds and Stones

He sat alone in the little café across the street from the hospital. He'd ordered a plate of Spinach Lasagna and a diet Coke, but he wasn't sure why. He was not hungry but Mattie's nurse had scooted him out of her room and sent him to eat. How long had it been, 24 hours, 36 hours, since he'd eaten? He did not know, nor did he really care. All he knew was his entire world was falling apart around him and he did not know what to do. 'The great Harmon Rabb, Jr. doesn't know how to fix any of this.' he thought. And he had just told the 'Anchor' in his life he didn't want her there with him. What was he thinking?

With his fork, he pushed the lasagna around the plate. He was playing with the food more than eating it. He just wasn't in a mood to eat. The little café was extremely nice, he thought. Maybe he'd bring Mattie some night. The atmosphere was rather eclectic with an attractive 'folk' musician playing on the little stage near the back. This was the kind of place Mattie would like.

**When you ask how I've been here without you**

**I like to say, "I've been fine" and I do.**

**But we both know the truth is hard to come by**

**And if I told the truth, that's not quite true.**

He'd heard that song before, somewhere, in the hospital. Yeah, he remembered now. It was some of the soft music they were piping into Mattie's room. But this time, the words pierced his heart. Those words were about him, were about how he was feeling at this very moment. He had lied to Mac when he told her he didn't want her to stay; he didn't need her to stay. 'I'm an idiot', he thought. He knew he wanted her; no, he needed her, to be there with him. But he couldn't ask her to stay. He'd pushed her away too many times in the past. Or she'd pushed him, he wasn't sure any more. But, he had to be strong on his own for Mattie. This would be a long struggle for Mattie and Harm could not ask anyone else to put their life on hold while they played this waiting game. Not even Mac. Anyway, he _could_ do this by himself. He _had _ to be there for Mattie. She was all he had left of a life. Mac had her own life to live.

But the _Truth_ was …he was not 'doing fine' on his own. He needed Mac more than he could ever tell her. Who was he fooling? His soul screamed out to him, 'tell her the truth'. He finished his Coke and tossed a twenty on the table as he reached for his cell phone from his pocket. He started for the front door.

**Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.**

**Some times the hard times won't leave me alone.**

**Sometimes the cold wind blows a chill in my bones**

**Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.**

As Harm opened the door, a gust of cold, damp wind blew through. He pulled the collar of his overcoat up around his ears as he walked across the street to the hospital. Were these his _hard times_? Mac had always been there for him during those hard times when he felt most alone; when he searched for his father, when he was floating in the Atlantic. Even when he couldn't see her, he knew she was there. And this time, he'd told her he didn't want her there. 'Am I losing my mind?' he thought. He needed her; he wanted her there with him. And yet he'd pushed her away, just like she'd pushed him away. Was he trying to make her feel what he'd felt?

As he looked at the keypad of his phone, he shook his head. He jammed the phone back into his pocket. Mattie needed him and he had to be there for her. He entered the hospital and walked toward the elevator. As he prepared to push the button on the wall, he stared into the shiny stainless steel surface of the elevator door.

**Now the face that I see in the mirror**

**More and more is a stranger to me.**

**More and more I can see there's a danger**

**Of becoming what I never thought I'd be.**

He stood in the doorway of the elevator for several seconds before he stepped through. He walked down the hall and into Mattie's dark room. Across the room, he could see a reflection in the large window of himself. But this was not the Harm he knew. This was _a stranger_, some one he didn't know,some one he _never thought he'd be._ The man he saw in the reflection was older, cold, hard, uncaring. This man had no warmth in his eyes, no love. Harm shook his head and looked over at Mattie. He knew she needed him. But, he also knew she needed the Harm he was now, the one who loved Sarah Mackenzie with all there was of him.

He took Mattie's hand as he reached into his pocket and took out his phone. He slowly punched in the numbers and spoke softly into the phone, "Mom? Yeah, she's doing O.K. No real changes yet, though. Remember that box we talked about before…Yeah, I'm going to call her now. If you could send that to me, please."

**Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.**

**Some times the hard times won't leave me alone.**

**Some times the cold wind blows a chill in my bones.**

**Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.**

Harm dialed his phone again. "Hey, Mac. I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier.Yeah, I'd really like it if you'd come by. This is really hard I'm really worried about Mattie and all. Mac, I don't want to be _without you, _not right now, not ever. I think we need to talk about some things, about us…."


End file.
